Dear Daddy,
Unknowing to me, today was my last day to be with you. If had known, I would have climbed up in your bed and held you in my arms the whole hour that I was allowed. As always, you asked me for "puddin'". You would only eat a couple of spoons full, then turn your head. Your mouth was so dry looking, parched. Your tongue was coated with white stuff, it worried me. The nurse brought in some ice chips, I fed them to you. You seemed to enjoy them, I bet the cold wet felt good in your mouth. You kept whispering for more. You were so pale, but still, there was some blushing in your cheeks. I held your knarled hands, your fingernails so blue. I wanted to put lotion on your forehead, your skin was so dry. I kissed and smelled your head, just like I kissed and smelled Caine's head when he was a baby. You were a baby now, all curled up....so helpless.
At one point, you looked at me.......such a look of concern on your face, eyes wide open.....like you were scared, or ashamed. I asked you what was wrong. You said, "I think I poo-pooed in my pants." I asked you if you wanted me to check, you said a definite, NO. I think you were ashamed, you didn't want to have me, your daughter, to check your diaper. I could feel your shame, Dad........but, it didn't matter to me, it was perfectly okay. I told the guard that I needed an aid to change your diaper. I looked when your diaper was opened, I don't think you knew that. You hadn't messed, probably just gas. Your bed sores were getting better, I always looked at your sores when I was there, I wanted to make sure they were being cared for. They were. Your butt was so tiny, the skin so smooth......a baby's butt. It bothered me so much that you were so thin.....just skin and bones. Why were you that way? I couldn't understand why you were so deathly thin. I remember an earlier visit I asked you why you were so thin, you said, "I don't know". Dad, it still bothers me to this day. I can't get the sight of you out of my mind. My worse fears for you come true.
So many questions I had for you, but you rarely talked. Mostly stared at the TV without really watching it. I wanted to be in your mind, experience what you had been through. Well, maybe it's best that I couldn't. I can't even imagine what your life was like these past 18 years.
You napped alot this day, all curled up on your side, your knees drawn up in a fetal position. I sat beside you and touched you, looked at you, really looked at you. Your ears, your nose, your hair, your closed eyelids, your sunken mouth, your skin, your curled up hands. I still see you in my mind........I can smell you sometimes.
I wanted to crawl inside of you, be you and I as one, just for a moment.
Remember the cards I would send you, the ones with the Mountain picture on the front? I would draw stick figures of you and I holding hands on the mountain. We were supposed to see a mountain together one day. Remember that?
It was time for us to leave, my hour with you was up. Hubby said his goodbye to you, telling you that he'll see you next week. I kissed you on the forehead, told you that I loved you and that I would see you next week. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay. As I walked out of your room to the guard that was to escort us out, I looked back at you. This was the first time I had ever done that. I looked back at you to see you one more time......to take you in, to absorb you in some way. You didn't look back at me....I wished you had.
My Dad went home to the Lord two days later, on the 20th of June 2003. He died all alone in a prison hospice, in South Woods State Prison in Bridgeton, NJ. The day he died, I knew it already before the social worker called to tell me.
I love you, Daddy........I miss you.
Unknowing to me, today was my last day to be with you. If had known, I would have climbed up in your bed and held you in my arms the whole hour that I was allowed. As always, you asked me for "puddin'". You would only eat a couple of spoons full, then turn your head. Your mouth was so dry looking, parched. Your tongue was coated with white stuff, it worried me. The nurse brought in some ice chips, I fed them to you. You seemed to enjoy them, I bet the cold wet felt good in your mouth. You kept whispering for more. You were so pale, but still, there was some blushing in your cheeks. I held your knarled hands, your fingernails so blue. I wanted to put lotion on your forehead, your skin was so dry. I kissed and smelled your head, just like I kissed and smelled Caine's head when he was a baby. You were a baby now, all curled up....so helpless.
At one point, you looked at me.......such a look of concern on your face, eyes wide open.....like you were scared, or ashamed. I asked you what was wrong. You said, "I think I poo-pooed in my pants." I asked you if you wanted me to check, you said a definite, NO. I think you were ashamed, you didn't want to have me, your daughter, to check your diaper. I could feel your shame, Dad........but, it didn't matter to me, it was perfectly okay. I told the guard that I needed an aid to change your diaper. I looked when your diaper was opened, I don't think you knew that. You hadn't messed, probably just gas. Your bed sores were getting better, I always looked at your sores when I was there, I wanted to make sure they were being cared for. They were. Your butt was so tiny, the skin so smooth......a baby's butt. It bothered me so much that you were so thin.....just skin and bones. Why were you that way? I couldn't understand why you were so deathly thin. I remember an earlier visit I asked you why you were so thin, you said, "I don't know". Dad, it still bothers me to this day. I can't get the sight of you out of my mind. My worse fears for you come true.
So many questions I had for you, but you rarely talked. Mostly stared at the TV without really watching it. I wanted to be in your mind, experience what you had been through. Well, maybe it's best that I couldn't. I can't even imagine what your life was like these past 18 years.
You napped alot this day, all curled up on your side, your knees drawn up in a fetal position. I sat beside you and touched you, looked at you, really looked at you. Your ears, your nose, your hair, your closed eyelids, your sunken mouth, your skin, your curled up hands. I still see you in my mind........I can smell you sometimes.
I wanted to crawl inside of you, be you and I as one, just for a moment.
Remember the cards I would send you, the ones with the Mountain picture on the front? I would draw stick figures of you and I holding hands on the mountain. We were supposed to see a mountain together one day. Remember that?
It was time for us to leave, my hour with you was up. Hubby said his goodbye to you, telling you that he'll see you next week. I kissed you on the forehead, told you that I loved you and that I would see you next week. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay. As I walked out of your room to the guard that was to escort us out, I looked back at you. This was the first time I had ever done that. I looked back at you to see you one more time......to take you in, to absorb you in some way. You didn't look back at me....I wished you had.
My Dad went home to the Lord two days later, on the 20th of June 2003. He died all alone in a prison hospice, in South Woods State Prison in Bridgeton, NJ. The day he died, I knew it already before the social worker called to tell me.
I love you, Daddy........I miss you.
2 Comments:
{{CHRIS}} That was a beautiful letter. I am sure your Dad is so proud of you and watching over you today. Hugs to you babe.
Chris that was heartwarming and heartbreaking all at the same time! I am so proud of you for reaching out to your Dad and I KNOW he is watching over you now! Thanks for sharing that with us!
Big Hugs!
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